when it seemed on the outside that things were fine I was miserable on the inside.. It was the longest September of my life…. I did manage to lose 10 pounds. I kept my hair up but it was an external attempt to compensate for internal pain. I asked my self over and over day in and day out how did I — the counselor— let it get this far? Why couldn’t I snap back as usual? What was different this time? How could I let this happen to me? I knew better, I knew coping skills like my alphabets, I have to be strong for everyone else, I can’t let ANYONE down.. – never let em see you sweat… The inability to be STRONG and INDEPENDENT in the face of depression and anxiety was out of my control… I finally had to realize I was not in control and I never was!!!
After my last post of rain boots and flower arrangements , I have been trying to figure how to follow that. I searched for a pic that woukd tell a story for me and spotted this one. This pic was same time last year. Appropriately titled because my two boys were keeping me from laying in the bed and curling in the fetal position and not wanting to come out of my room. I knew I had to be strong for them and not let them see me on the outside how I in the inside.. On the day I had been on the medication about a week and it showed. My emotions were dry , I couldn’t cry when I wanted to ( and that was every day at least three times) I couldn t show emotion. That’s not a bad thing because if I could have I would have been crying all the time…visually depressed and probably a hot mess. But I dressed it up and took my medication to maintain… Sinking deeper was not an option!! I had a life to live and two boys to live for….. That depended on ME….
So this week last year 9/12 to be exact, I saw a flower arrangement in a pair of rain boots in the lobby and was distracted. I was distracted from everything that was depressing me in my life. I sat in the lobby waiting to have an assessment crying profusely and literally couldn’t stop. Tissue after tissue… The tears wouldn’t stop. But I already knew what was wrong with me… I was having a mental health crisis. As I sat there crying I started to think how beautiful the arrangement was instead of how awful things were going in my life, I started to think of ways I myself could make that arrangement, how much would it cost, I knew what boots I wanted to use already… Different thoughts started to fill my mind. I was temporarily DISTRACTED. Now if this could just go in 24/7 I may have been able to move on. But it wouldn’t and it didn’t.